Rethinking Success
Introduction
I am ambitious. I want to be excellent, and I want to make an impact.
The problem is, it's easy for my ambition to turn into anxiety. I want my genuine interests and my unique drive to motivate me. But with so many successful people around, it's easy to let comparison become a motivating factor.
When we think of a successful person, we often imagine someone who rises to the top in the context of a competition. We imagine the best actors, top athletes, and business leaders who are "better" than "the rest."
So when we reach for an example of success, we reinforce the idea that success is comparative. Successful people, in our eyes, are only successful because of the people who tried and failed to do the same thing.
This notion of success fuels anxiety about falling behind, and it necessarily means that not everyone can be successful. Not everyone can feel proud of themselves, and there will always be people who fall short.
Can we change this? Why does success inspire envy? Why do our peers being in good positions suggest that our positions are worse?
Success should inspire us to better ourselves, yet the way we conceptualize success incentivizes us to copy others. It incentivizes us to chase names and titles rather than meaningful work and relationships.
Defining success as being as far to the right on a bell curve as possible implies that we are being graded on an objective, numeric, one-dimensional scale. But how do we quantify who is better at "life," when we all want different things out of it?
A comparative notion of success fuels our egos. It makes us feel "better" than others on this one-dimensional scale. It also makes us feel horrible when we slip to the other side of the curve.
This comparison flatters us, and it tells us that we are special and unique. But in reality, humans are much more similar than different, and trying to divide ourselves and feel superior to others is unwise. I believe that humans are largely the same deep down, and that accepting this is the first step to leaving comparison behind and embracing community and togetherness. [Read More]
Another problem is that being "behind" and "ahead" assumes defined tracks in life. But assuming a well-trodden path is extremely limiting. Once you've defined a path at a young age, it can stop feeling like safety and start feeling like a cage. You may stop deviating and trying new things just because they don't go along with the track. But really, none of our tracks are defined. In the fast-changing world, plenty of people end up with careers that didn't even exist when they were planning.
To give an example, the successful AI startup founders of today never "planned" on going into AI, they were nimble enough to diverge from their existing path and get into something new and exciting.
We can't be behind, because the path ahead of us is not a line: it's a maze that's still being written.
Focus on the Process
I propose that we should reframe success in a way that allows all of us to feel successful.
Success is not zero-sum in the way that we normally conceive of it, and a win for someone else should not necessarily be a loss for you.
We should feel successful and happy not after the process of achieving a title, but rather during the process of building community, inspiring others, and engaging in your genuine interests.
Many believe success is binary: either we have made it or we have not. In reality, there is no such thing as making it.
Once you land a spot at a top high-school, you now have to take the hardest classes, study for standardized tests, and get into a good university, and that's hard.
Once you land a spot at one of the best universities, you now have to take difficult classes, make friends, and search for relevant experience, and that's hard.
Once you land a job at the most prestigious company, you now have to work there, and that's hard.
Notice how there is no "end." There is no "win."
Realistically, betting on making so much money that you can retire early and spend the rest of your life doing what you actually want to do is not a good idea.
The moment never happens. No one ever truly makes it to "success."
So instead of putting your head down and working hard on things you may not enjoy, intentionally choose a path that is enjoyable and fulfilling in the present, not the future.
Bringing Value
Making decisions out of fear can feel stressful, and it gives us the impression that we are not in control. Rather, we should strive to choose a career because we love the work, not because we're afraid of the alternative.
The vast majority of your time you spend on earth will be mundane: work, chores, the everyday parts of life. You need to fall in love with that, not the fantasy of moving past it.
For me, I try to work on writing, learning, researching, and building things that I am interested in. As a university student, I am mainly focused on self-development, as I try to build communication skills, adaptability, and technical understanding.
Later on though, I hope to spend my life doing work that genuinely helps others. I sincerely believe that if you want a sense of success, fulfillment, and connection to your work, focusing on bringing value to other people is a must.
To quote Grant Sanderson of 3Blue1Brown, "Those who excel in their first jobs are the ones who make life easier for everyone around them … The successful entrepreneurs are the ones who have a relentless focus on making sure that what they have to sell is what people want to buy." [Source]
Concisely, Sanderson says that "success is a function of the value you bring to others." [Source]
Interestingly, Sanderson pushes back on the idea that we should "follow our dreams," and exactly because we do not know what our dreams will become. The future is ever-changing. Furthermore, he suggests that our dreams shouldn't be about us—our status, our fame, our riches—but instead about what we bring to others.
Loving your work and bringing value to others aren't separate goals, and anchoring yourself to these two ideals can be really helpful in giving you direction. In the noise of "this is what you need to get ahead" and "here are five rookie mistakes that will end your career," try to think about going forward to a north star, not running away from nightmare scenarios.
Final Thoughts
It's not easy to let go of comparison, choose love over fear, or find ways to genuinely contribute to the world.
Truthfully, I'm not writing this from a place of "reaching" enlightenment, because just like success, it is not a destination but a process.
I never really stopped comparing myself to others. I never really stopped worrying. I never really adopted this new mindset fully.
It's a mental habit that I need to consciously remind myself of, and one that feels at odds with many external pressures.
All I hope is that by writing this, I can put into words the way I want to conceptualize success and make my thoughts a little more concrete.
If I ever slip into worries about "falling behind" and start comparing myself to others, I try to remind myself that humans are this:
Same stuff, different paths.
It's a simple idea, but it helps me sleep at night, and I hope it helps some of you, too.